My Journey

A Fool's Path - perhaps we all take the Fool's Road; entering

this life utterly naive, marveling at the wonders of the world

before the giants of childhood beat the awe out of us, telling

us to focus on the very serious task of adulthood and career.

My life took me by the hand and led me into many places I would not have chosen, had I been left to my own devices. She led me into the heart of discomfort and suffering; into loneliness and despair, separation and shame, guilt and repression. Essentially, I lived as a slave, worked my body to the bone, believing that was the only way I could offer my worth. I pleased people as best I could, and when I failed to please, I trembled in the face of their anger and hatred. The trembling would often last for weeks. I would not be able to sleep and when sleep did come, dreams were darkened with the shadow of anxiety.

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I found temporary joy when meeting good people, when I fell in love or when life's synchronicity dropped things into place. I saw sunrises from Mount Sinai and sunsets from the Great Pyramid at Giza; watched lightning storms from Sumatran lakes and fog rolling down Malaysian hillsides; I spent time in San Pedro ceremonies in Peruvian sacred sites and thousands of hours in meditation wherever home was. Yet, despite beautiful experiences, all the while there was a quiet and lonely desperation running as an undercurrent to every event.

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I wanted belonging. I wanted home. I wanted connection. I longed for truth.

I tried to find these things in the work I did. I laboured hard on construction sites and in factories, thinking I would find self worth in sacrificing my body. I became a scuba divemaster and worked in animal sanctuaries and care homes, thinking that if I did, interesting jobs, I would be interesting. I taught environmental education, ran sustainability courses in Thailand and Poland, and managed sustainable development projects in Ghana and on the Burmese border, thinking that if I used enough intelligence and ethics, I would find my purpose. I helped run a children's home for Burmese orphans, thinking that if I served those in need, I would find my place in the world.

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I burnt myself out with all the trying and eventually I found a place to slow down, and gave up on many dreams. I lived simply, looking after land and planting trees, swimming in rivers when it was hot, and sitting by a fire when cold.

And things came to me. Things I needed. Plant medicine; inquiry; more events that shook my system to the core and humiliation - much needed humiliation. The ego needs humiliation, you see, so that it learns to step aside and allow a much wiser energy to take control of the vessel. And when that happened, I learned presence. I learned to listen....to others, and to the quiet, dark places of the world. The Fool finally gave up fighting against not knowing, and sank into it more fully, realizing that if one can face the unknown with humility, one can face death with valor - death being the only certainty we face in life.

I learned that nothing in me, nor in others, needs to be changed. Change happens by itself. It is only prevented by resistance. And resistance is only present when we push something away as ugly, not wanted, wrong. Whereas when we sit with full presence and acceptance of those things, we recognize an aliveness to them; an intelligence all of their own...and slowly, quietly, they begin to move